Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Writing Me Off

"You, what?"

Maybe I didn't hear it correctly. Maybe I didn't want to. Maybe I was scared to accept that the moment I had been dreading all this while had finally arrived.

"Of course, you're joking. You have to be."
"But, I'm not."

This wasn't happening. Not to me. These things didn't happen to people like me, did they?

"So, we good?"
Ridiculous stare.
"What, are you drunk on your own stupidity?"
"So, we're not good?"

I turn my head to look away.

In the distance I can see the car coming closer towards us and turning at the corner. Funny how anything else will consume my attention now.

"You've got to say something sometime, you know."
I glance at him as he begins to speak, but look away again.
"You really won't say anything?"

I see the car reappear, carefully backing out of the lane. I can't help but think of the street dog I saw the other day with the tiny toad. Ribbid. Step back. Ribbid ribbid. More walking backwards.

"You know I'm not going to wait forever, don't you?"
I look at him with a deadpan expression on my face. Five seconds. Ten. Maybe even an hour or two, I don't remember. I slowly get up, lean forward, kiss his cheek and linger there for a couple of seconds more than acceptable.

Then, I turn to walk away from the only chance at happiness I'd ever known. Maybe I imagined him calling out my name, begging me to stop. I know I would have ignored him anyhow. I think.

I look up at the sky, while I plug in my earphones. Even the shades of orange seemed mellow that evening.
"...don't forget me, I beg..." Oh, shut up, of course I will. You made sure of that didn't you?
You made sure of that, didn't you?

My hair whipped out to the front and lashed against my face along with the sudden gust of wind. It seems, perhaps, that I needed only that momentary blindness. Images were flitting across my mind in quick succession. Not unlike the time when I'd described them so well to him. Images. I had none to hold on to.

For God's sake.

Frantically, I brushed off the devious hair from my eyes. As I opened them to see clearly again, I saw only a stark blackness in the midst of the riot of colours dancing in front of me. Shutting my eyes, I shake my head a little. I open them again. This time, it was all black.