Monday, July 14, 2014

Building Back the Burnt Wings

She was afraid. She was even more afraid to show it. So she didn't.

She walked down the familiar roads with her head held high and her walk firm on the ground. Nobody would have mistaken that for anything but a woman who knew exactly where and why she was going. But she didn't know. She thought she did, but with every step the reasons weathered away just a bit, and then a bit more.

She hadn't felt the surge of rushing blood within her in months. She had forgotten it had been months. She forgot most things now. But then, each step seemed to be walked only to remind her. She felt that surge yesterday. It had set off alarm bells and sleigh bells in her head. That had been confusing. She knew she needed nor wanted either. But there they were, chiming away.

I'm sorry but...

She didn't want to hear another of those. Why did she have to? Hadn't it been enough? You can't both choose and execute, now, can you? She could. She had. Except she hadn't in months. Years. Did it matter anymore?

She couldn't remember time before this. Time when she felt that things were going to be just fine. There was that one time when it almost seemed like her life was changing finally. She had been over the moon. It did change. For the worse. Why, oh, why did she forget to stop with the delight? That's what made it worse this time as well, didn't it?

Her face smiled at the little beggar child on the way, crooning away in a surprisingly sweet voice. She should have been surprised, at least, but her plastic smile was all that she could give to the child for now.

Her head began to feel heavy. She longed for her bed, but she wasn't sleepy. She only wanted to hide away from the world again. She thought of the resolution to stop with that only a week ago. To hell with the resolution. I need my pillow.

She needed to put up her shields again. She needed to shun them all away. They only knew one thing, to disappoint. How could she have been led to believe it was going to be different when it had started so differently this time? People. Was her only sin to allow them to stand so close? Or was she the one who went too close each and every time? Icarus, all over again.

The road began to wind, and her mind began to sicken. This was one too many times all over again. What exactly are you trying to teach me?

She closed her eyes to picture the one she conferred with in moments like these. Why couldn't you just tell me in words already and save the repeat of history?

Because, there probably is nothing else to learn if you learn this now. Trust me.

Trust. The dirty word that left a taste far worse than anything else she could think of right then. Yet, she trusted too much and then she trusted too little. She still was doing it wrong, and she was tired of trying it again. Trust you? You wish.

Yet, when she opened her eyes again, she knew she would do just that. Not out of choice, but out of desperation.

Maybe, just maybe, this time she was going to be able to fly. She had nothing else to lose, really.

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